Tonight I am starting something entirely new.
It's taken me such a long while to reach this place A place of certain serenity It's unique to me I'm satisfied yet bitter I feel I am inside of an entirely new playing ground Like the opportunity that lies ahead is so fully integrated already Now I only have to show up I have never not shown up But today I stayed so busy that when it was time for me to be alone I wanted to listen to songs on repeat and scream at the top of my lungs I'm not even in pain nothing has even happened to me There have been no triggers I just get in this mood where I want to be with everyone Yet sit alone and let my fingers click the keys that my brain decides to click Frustrated and so at ease with the fact that I am allowed to feel this way and not be ashamed of it I AM human, I AM not defined by my feelings or emotions Some days are dark and dreary and I want nothing to do with society Yet never stop being a part of it It's fucking irritating that physically escaping, is seemingly impossible Listening to sad music during these moods gives me Solidarity, of my mood It makes me feel alone How I occasionally want to feel, weird right? In a place where everyone is searching for someone I just want to be left alone To wallow in my pity and love every second of it What are we actually doing? Aside from creating this facade of a reality and calling it home This is not home You and I both know that the black hole that consumes me in my dreams at night That's home The darkness The womb The void The unspeakable Where you can see darkness but cannot actually see anything without a beam of light Fucking Christ Go away now, I want to be entirely Alone
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I keep Loving because it is all that I know
that will last, eternally Beyond me and you I keep Loving because it destroys me and builds me simutaneously We were being destroyed uphill, rebuilt past the peak The forest below the mountain is where I reside Living in the breeze and melting in the streams You came to visit me, noticing I was accompanied by a stranger I saw you, but you didn't know Pivoting around to head back into the night Turning into a potent shadow Dissipating into the darkness When the Z's roared from the nostrils of most, I wandered to the waters Never knowing what I may discover Alone sat a man, drenched in transparently wet cheeks His heart pouring into the stream, carried away his pain "It hurts, doesn't it" I whispered eloquently We sat for moments Silence More silence Staring at his back, barely missing the reflection of his face in the water It never ended We stayed until the sun rose I woke, knowing everything I had just experienced Was but a dream I've become a master of not sharing my feelings and trapping my thoughts inside.
Telling myself no one wants to hear what I have to say. I am an outstanding listener, but some days I feel like no one is really listening to me. I thought it was this terrible thing, that no one was listening to me But I had to stop caring if anyone was listening and speak anyway I cracked, I had to get it all out, I had to shatter and break and destroy this idea that my thoughts aren't just as worthy of being heard, as the next person It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, at first Then the reality set in that, I was listening to all of these people problems, stories, experiences, etc. But I wasn't actually listening to myself REALLY Listening to myself I have all these translucent thoughts and ideas, but I'd push them off and fill my head with everyone else's shit WHY It was a pathetic excuse for me to not take any action I just made everyone else's problems, my problems, and didn't deal with my own How entirely ridiculous right? Now I am at this point where I only listen to me; to what I know is right for me I detach from others experience, while still listening, and staying aware of my own experience of that person It's given me clarity, strength, and the ability to discern where others end and where I begin I quit my job yesterday.
I never thought I would do it. I thought I would be stuck. I was only ever as stuck as I allowed myself to be We tend to trap ourselves in this prison of what we "should" be doing What are you doing, if it is not everything you desire and more? Why must we keep ourselves trapped in the prison of the sociable standard? I want to fucking create, with my bare hands, something to help and serve others I do not want to spend my life working a 9-5, entertaining the idea that it's the "right thing to do". Absolutely not. Maybe for some people, it is right...but not I. So many human beings have grown accustomed to this idea that you must go to college, get a degree, and work your life away doing some job that you truly do not desire to do. Although there are many spectrum's to which this isn't true. Some find that what they attend college for, is something they can use to enhance their creative abilities. Putting the knowledge gained into form, through their severing of others. I find this most common for artists of any kind, writers, as well as teachers. Although for an artist or writer it isn't a required course, it can benefit them in many ways. I'm so stuck on the fear that people are trapped inside, due to the idea that money rules your capabilities. You and only you have power over what it is you want to unlock, to get you to the point of wealth, without payment being the deciding factor. I personally was always relying on my paychecks to get me what I wanted, to open up room for me to create. I am the fucking paycheck, I pay myself by allowing my creative potential to shine through, I pay myself by doing exactly what I want to do. That is what wealth is. No outside force will ever be able to make me feel as abundant as I already am. Cash is but a reward, and I no longer desire to be rewarded for things that aren't serving my highest good. It has become an added bonus to the richness I already feel inside. While in turn my 9-5 was always serving my highest good, because I wouldn't have gotten to this point without the experience, I am so very grateful for the build up it took to get me here. Thank you. I love you. Truth behind
vacant stares lies in Depths of pain and suffering -toobesilent I've been calling it a night so early, my bed
calls my name when It's time to lay the bullshit to rest To pull the fake skin from my Face, hurting from the fake smiles Basking in the rhythm of blues, knowing all along it was I, That didn't care for you I just want to be naked and Alone is my favorite place to remember How broken I was, No, not broken, I was lost Lost in madness Gargling your pathetic lies for dinner Drowning in the sky that poured Salty tears into the ocean; filling it over and over, spilling onto my wounds -- these are the messages of the void |
Kelsie Miner
@toobesilent on Twitter |